


Kyrie Eleison

by LadyNovaJade



Series: Alternate Universe [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Slow Burn, Team Building, Toni's got a lot of shit, Trust Issues, bad language, family stuff, lots of emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 15:05:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8757361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNovaJade/pseuds/LadyNovaJade
Summary: It may be the end. Toni hopes not. But maybe it would be better if it was.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this one shot comes from the song “Kyrie,” composed by Arvo Part, and is the first movement of his “Berliner Messe” (“Berlin Mass”) mass setting. It appears in the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie, as a part of the sequence when Wanda “kills” Ultron. This lyric used for the title means “Lord, have mercy” in Latin.

Chaos reigned. Buildings crumpled, metallic robots were blown to bits, and Toni might have been able to hear the deafening combination of screams and destruction if it weren’t for the blood and fear roaring in her ears.

Her brain was splintered into so many factions, she would later thank her lucky stars she had FRIDAY to run system checks, make sure power was being routed where it needed to be, and throw up welfare checks on her teammates while Toni flew around attempting to keep her own dumbass safe. 

Oh, and trying to figure out how in the fuck they were going to get a meteor-sized hunk of earth back down safely. 

Between Toni and FRIDAY, every idea had no good solution. Rhodey was yelling in her ear as they covered the recovery boats flying civilians to the helicarrier. One of Ultron’s bots exploded near her and she stuttered a moment, then continued on. 

But a panic was rising. Toni had to figure out how to stop this rock. Something. _Anything_.

“I got it!” she cried out, breathless as she destroyed any of the damn things that came near her. “Create a heat seal. I could …” She paused as she took out a few bots on Rhodey’s tail. “I could supercharge the spire from below!”

“Running numbers!” FRIDAY called out. Toni wasn’t sure if the AI raised its voice because of the noise around them or because it truly was able to feel the same fear as Toni.

After what felt like an eternity, FRIDAY’s voice trickled back into Toni’s ear. “A heat seal could work, but you have to have enough power to create it.”

Toni was already five steps ahead. “Thor!” she called out into comms. “I got a plan, I need you to get back to the church!” 

“We’re running out of time,” Thor’s strong voice, sounding oddly calm, answered back. “They’re going for the core. 

Toni looked over to see Rhodey fly up beside her, “Rhodey, I need you to get the rest of the people on board that carrier.”

“Got it,” her best friend said, jetting off to the next hovercraft.

Toni swallowed hard and threw her legs and hands forward, the repulsors jerking her to a halt and allowing her to turn and head back to Sokovia. “Avengers, it’s time to work for a living.”

They all converged on that small, crumbling church base. They fought and clawed and bashed and tore everything metal coming at them. As his army began to dwindle, Ultron let out a cry of frustration and rammed toward them — well actually he headed straight for the Vision. The two clashed for a moment; Toni flew under them and to the far side of the church, hovering with her repulsor pointed at the struggle, waiting for her chance.

Then it hit; Vision pushed Ultron back and further out of the church with a beam emanating from the crystal on his forehead. Toni saw the moment she needed. She fired her repulsors, striking Ultron as well as she came to the Vision’s side. Thor appeared seconds later, drawing down lightning onto the robot.

The three of them pushed him back and Toni watch with fascination and satisfaction as the vibranium shell of Ultron’s body began to twist and melt. After what felt like an eternity, the three pulled back, watching with their guard up as the robot struggled to his feet.

He uttered maybe a few words before Hulk appeared and knocked him far into the distance. Toni and the others turned to the few remaining robots, who quickly took flight or raced off.

“They’re leaving the city!” Thor cried out.

Toni understood the urgency and took flight herself. “We can’t let them get away, not one!”

“I got it,” Rhodey came through clearly. His calm voice washed over Toni like a warm, familiar relief. As the Vision took to the sky as well, she knew the two of them would finish off the chore.

“Boss, the core,” FRIDAY said, bringing Toni back quickly to the urgency of their situation. The rock was getting too high. Toni needed to get underneath it, and quick.

 Without a word, she blasted off, her heart pounding in her ears again, louder than the whoosh of the air or the jets of her suit. 

“Thor, stay near the church!” she called out as she maneuvered around bits of debris falling off and heading for her.

“I must help the survivors,” he said, his tone not brooking any argument.

“I get that, but just stay close. When everyone is boarded, we will want to get this done quick,” she replied, taking out a few of the awful robots she saw trying to sneak away. 

When she swooped under the large chunk of earth hurdling through the clouds, her scans showed her the point of entrance she was looking for. With one deep breath, Toni began to survey the metal, calculating in her head how large of a hole she would have to make. 

“Boss, power levels are dropping below…” FRIDAY sounded. 

“Reroute everything,” Toni interrupted, adjusting her hands on the metal. “We’ve got one shot at this and I want everything pooled into it.”

Once FRIDAY had confirmed the power levels were ready, Toni made the incision in the bottom of the rock. She poked her head in, gazing around in a bit of wonder at the pulses of energy moving up the spire and seeing the whirl of the mechanism working.

“Thor,” she said slowly, “I’m going to need you back at the church pronto, buddy. 

Over comms, she heard the demi-god ask if the last of the refugees were on the boats. Steve’s strong, warm voice answered. “Everyone else is on the carrier.”

Just hearing him made her heart ache at the next words she thought.

“Thor … you know if this works, we maybe don’t walk away.”

She heard him draw in a deep sigh, “Maybe not.”

There was a huff of breath over the line and Toni could tell it was Steve. “You best work on walking just fine,” he commanded. “That includes you too, Toni.” 

She felt a rueful smile tug at her lips, opening her mouth to let loose the comeback resting on her tongue. 

But gunfire interrupted it. Gunfire that echoed in her ears. Gunfire that had her heart dropping into her stomach like a stone.

“STEVE!” she yelled, already letting go of the rock and beginning to free fall to give her a chance to get around the falling piece of earth. “Thor! Clint!”

No one answered and the static over the comms kept a staccato beat that matched her heart.

“Goddammit, Steve answer me!” she called just as she hit her repulsors.

“It was Ultron in the QuinJet!” his voice called back, out of breath and panicked.

Toni let out a shaky breath, ignoring the tears crawling down her cheeks. It took her a few times to speak, “I’m coming up!”

“No!” Steve called back. “You need to stay there, Toni.”

She swallowed hard, forcing herself to listen to him and fly back toward the core. “Is anyone hurt?”

“Thor just left for the church, so you’ll have to tell him what to do,” he said instead.

Toni shook her head, “Steve … is everyone okay?!”

There was a pause filled with the great rumble of the air rushing around her. Steve let out a heavy breath, “It’s the Maximoff boy. He didn’t make it…”

A string of curses left her mouth, “I’m coming up there…” she started again, but Steve’s gruff ‘no’ stopped her. 

“Toni, honey, you have to focus,” he said softly, calmly. “Thor is going to be in the church. The boats are ready to take off. You have to make your plan happen now.”

Toni drew in a deep breath and gazed up into the core, “Is everyone on a boat? I’m not blowing it ‘til I know this rock is empty.” 

“I’m not sure, but we can’t wait…” Steve started. 

“Is everyone on a goddamn boat or not, Steve?!” she yelled, refusing to allow one more person die because of her stupidity.

“Antonia,” Thor’s heavy voice cut in through the speaker. “I’m outside the church, we have to act now. 

Her heart was racing; she couldn’t do it unless she knew, for certain, they had done everything they could to get people off that hunk of rock.

“Toni…” Steve’s voice sounded again, but was cut off at the sound of the core’s parts moving. Things grinding together. A mechanic shift. The core was flipped and the G force of the rock redirecting back toward earth slammed into Toni so hard, all of the air left her in a solid ‘swoosh.’ She tightened her grip on the metal around the opening she cut and struggled to hold her position.

“Steve, are you on a boat?!” she yelled into comms, jetting down and flying back up to reposition herself over the opening near the core.

There was no answer from him and her heart clenched. Thor was rambling in her ear, about being at the church, telling her it was time to destroy the core before it was too late. But only one thing was on her mind, the only important thing …

“STEVE!” Toni screamed, her voice choking. “Are you on a _fucking boat_!!”

One heart-stopping moment passed…

“I am!” Steve yelled; strong, sure… _alive_. “Toni, you have to blow it now!”  

Taking a steadying breath, Toni fired up her chest reactor and watched the numbers rising on the screen as the energy super-heated the spire. “Thor! I need you to hit the core with all you’ve got on my mark! 

The climbing numbers seemed to take an eternity before they finally began flashing red in front of her. “NOW!” she yelled out over the roar of the world around her.

There was a buzzing, the building of power from both her suit and Thor’s lightning coming down. And then a deafening noise. It was the first time in Toni’s entire life that everything went completely white instead of black. When her body finally started to catch up with the present moment, it occurred to her she was falling and large chunks of debris were falling around her.

Her brain had her working quickly. She turned in the air and hit her repulsors, zooming through the fog of destruction and attempting to fly through the damn sky falling down on her.

“Gotta dodge it, gotta dodge it,” Toni mumbled under her breath in a strange mantra to keep her focus. But the splash from the debris hitting the water and the dust falling created a cloud too dense to see through; her panic started to rise. “FRIDAY, give me radar!” she commanded, watching as her screen shifted and she could see a bit clearer.

A tower of a building came hurdling out of nowhere and her heart jumped to her throat as she quickly moved around it. Her blood was pounding, her breath was short, and her body felt heavy with fear. For some reason, Toni thought she could hear someone talking to her, could barely hear the words coming in through comms, but the static was too great and the noise around her deafening. It could have been Steve. Maybe it had been Thor…

“Oh shit,” she breathed, suddenly remembering — and how the hell could she have forgotten — that Thor had been on that rock when it was blown to bits. The panic swelled in her throat more.

“FRIDAY!” she yelled again, “Locate Thor!”

“Scanning!” the AI responded, voice once again mimicking Toni’s panic.

The seconds felt like an eternity. “Come on, come on!” Toni murmured under her breath 

“Six hundred yards to your right, boss! He just hit the water!” FRIDAY indicated and Toni hit her jets hard, turning and heading in the direction.

A red blob appeared on her screen and as she raced closer, it began to form into the outline of the demi-god. Toni turned down and dove into the water, letting the repulsors jet her to him. Her arm around him securely, she turned back up and flew out of the water, still dodging through the chunks of debris and smoke as she went. Alarms were sounding from her suit, power was low, and Toni was glad FRIDAY had enough sense to not point that out to her at that moment.

Finally they reached the shore line and Toni set Thor down as easily as she could. With him propped up against a fallen tree, she pulled off her helmet and leaned over him, checking for a pulse. 

“FRIDAY, I need vital scans now,” she said softly, trying to keep her voice calm as she kept her fingers against his neck.

“Coming, boss.”

Toni felt her breath coming in uneven pants, her body felt like it was shaking. He couldn’t be dead. No, Thor was not dead. She refused to believe that. He was practically a God for fuck’s sake, you can’t kill a God. He couldn’t be dead. She just wouldn’t allow it. She wouldn’t accept that…

“Vitals appear normal,” FRIDAY said finally. “Everything seems fine, though he may have a concussion when he comes to.”

A deep, long breath Toni didn’t realize she was holding left her lips. She swallowed hard and pressed a small spot on her wrist, causing her suit to peel back off her hand. Leaning over Thor again, she gently slapped his face a bit.

“Come on Point Break, open those pretty blue eyes for me,” she said softly, hoping to coax him up.

Whether it was perfect timing or what, she couldn’t tell, but suddenly Thor began to spurt out water. Relief, tons and tons of it, washed over Toni as she leaned back, grabbing his shoulder and gently pulling him up so he wouldn’t choke. After a minute or so, he waved her off, murmuring he was all right. 

At the reassurance, Toni fell back on her ass, her breathing heavy still. “Well,” she started slowly, leaning back against a large boulder on the shoreline, “that was fun.”

Thor looked up at her and let out a chuckle that mirrored her own exhaustion. “I dare say,” he started, groaning a bit as he adjusted his body to a comfortable position, “you have odd timing with your sense of humor, Antonia.”

Toni shrugged, “Pfft. You know you love it.”

They both became silent after that, trying to catch their breaths and process what had just happened. Well, Toni wasn’t sure that’s what Thor was doing, but that sure as hell was what she was doing. Because holy shit. That just happened. 

She was so deep in her thoughts and process, when Thor gently reached over and laid a hand on her leg closest to him, she jumped. When she looked at him, he had his “I’m about to say something very serious” face on.

“Thank you, Antonia,” he said softly.

And because she couldn’t do emotions when she felt like her heart was going to claw its way out of her chest, Toni decided sarcasm was the best route.

“I really wish you’d call me, Toni, man,” she groaned. “Everyone else does.”

To that Thor only smiled, like he knew what she was trying to do.

She sighed in defeat and fell back against her rock again. “I think we need to avoid future incidents like this. Like, at all costs,” she rambled. “I’m of a mind to never build anything again.”

“I wholeheartedly agree, my friend. I am keen to keep incidents like this from ever happening again,” he said, his voice grave and serious again.

Toni, for her part, was ready for a bottle of whisky and a hot bath. And maybe curling up against Steve and never moving again. If he was okay with that, of course. With her mind made up, she put her hands to the ground and attempted to push herself up. The suit’s power was low, but she didn’t realize it was so depleted she couldn’t even stand … maybe that was her fault and not the suit.

After a second failed attempt that found Toni fall back on her ass, rather hard, she looked up at Thor who had been watching her silently. “Well sunshine,” she started, groaning a bit as she attempted to adjust herself, “either you fly us out of here or we wait for the Calvary. 

But Thor looked just as exhausted as Toni felt, so she wasn’t so surprised when he nodded, “Yes, I think waiting would be our best approach.”

Toni touched the comm piece in her ear, “Steve? Clint? Nat?” Silence. “Anyone on comms?”

Static. 

“Well, that’s awesome,” she said, feeling really nothing but exhaustion. Her head tipped back and her eyes closed. A moment of peace passed over her and it felt … wonderful.

But it didn’t last. Which shouldn’t have surprised her at all.

It was the noise of everything around them that had her eyes open and her gaze turn over the lake, looking at the hole where Sokovia once sat. It was the crashing of falling structures on the bit of the city that still sat on the ground. It was the cries, the yells, and the screams of those people around. It was the settling of the debris from city that she had just obliterated.

 _Maybe Ultron won after all,_  she thought, surveying all of the destruction. She felt tears come to her eyes.

“All of those people…” she trailed off, her voice soft.

Thor turned his head as well, looking out at the at the ruins of the city. After a moment, he reached out again and touched her knee. He didn’t say anything until she turned and looked at him. “We saved many lives today, Antonia. Do not forget them.”

She swallowed hard and looked down, “But if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t have needed saving.” 

This time he had no response and for some reason it made the pain more real, the truth turning in her stomach like a sharp knife. Still looking down, she squeezed her eyes shut in a vain attempt to keep her emotions in check.  

“I’m sorry, Thor.” She was just as surprised as he was that the words came out. But once she had started, it was like word vomit. And Toni couldn’t stop it. “I should have listened to you,” she continued, looking up at him. “I shouldn’t have went for the scepter on my own, I should have allowed you to grab it. 

The demi-god shook his head, “Antonia, you couldn’t have known the Scarlet Witch would have shown you that vision…”

She shook her head, interrupting him, “I made myself vulnerable, though.” She wiped at her tears, “The best intentions and all that.”

“My friend, we cannot expect perfection from each other nor ourselves,” Thor said softly. “Good conscious, yes, but we all make mistakes. 

Toni swallowed hard, “Yeah … but my mistakes are getting people killed. Maybe even get you killed on day.”

To that, he smiled ruefully, “That would take a lot, dear Antonia. And I don’t know that even you are up for that.”

She couldn’t help it; a soft, watery laugh escaped her and she once again was wiping her hands over her face. Toni opened her mouth to say something smart in return, but loud cries cut her off.

“TONI!”

“THOR!”

“TONI, CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

The last voice was Steve; Clint and Rhodey were calling out with him.

“Calvary has arrived,” Thor stated, grunting as he pushed himself to his feet.

“Time to face the music,” Toni mumbled, more to herself than in response to him. Unlike him, she was in no hurry to pull herself to her feet. 

“Here!” Thor called out in response.

There was a rustle in the trees and suddenly Clint popped out, bow and arrow drawn. Once he saw them and just them, he lowered his weapon. “I got ‘em, Cap!” he hollered out behind him.

Thor offered his hand down to Toni, which she took gratefully. She looked up just as Rhodey and Steve came crashing through the tree line. Both were still suited up and both looked rather frazzled. Steve maybe a bit more than Rhodey. Really a lot more than Rhodey if she were to be honest.

He didn’t even wait for a word from her; Steve moved past Rhodey and nearly pushed an unsuspecting Thor out of the way before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. Toni let out an undignified “oof” as she fell against him, armor and all.

“I thought…” Steve whispered in her ear after a moment.

Toni swallowed hard and wrapped her arms around him in return, unable to tell him she too thought she was done for. The longer he held her, the more it hit her, once again, how close this one had been. Toni squeezed her eyes shut tight against the feeling, against the thoughts. She knew it was awkward to do anything in the suit, especially share an intimate moment such as this one. But suddenly, she wanted more than anything to be out of that suit and wrapped up even closer to Steve … to feel his hands on her back, hear his heartbeat in his chest; anything that made him more tangible. More real.

And then there was the sounds again. The falling city. The screams of the survivors.

Toni swallowed, tears pricking her eyes as the fear clenched her heart. “Steve…” she choked out, opening her eyes and looking out over the water.

He pulled back at the strangled sound of her voice, but she couldn’t bring her eyes to look at him. She was still fixated on the city she had brought destruction to.

“I did this,” she heard herself whisper.

“No,” he stated just as softly, hands coming up to cup her face. His voice held that firm tone that brooked no refusal. “Ultron did this.”

“But I … “ Toni choked again, feeling like she was going to be sick. The suit was too heavy on her, too tight. “Oh God…”

It was a split second really — it couldn't have been more than a few seconds — but Steve had stepped back at her words, keeping a hand on her arm to steady her, obviously hearing the panic. It felt almost in slow motion as her breath became short and, whether by her actions or Steve’s, the suit began to peel away from her frame.

Toni made it two steps away before she bent over and threw up what little was on her stomach. She didn’t realize she was sobbing at the same time until she couldn’t make out Steve’s face when he pulled her back up.

“Toni, honey, you have to calm down,” he said steadily.

Toni only felt herself shaking, his face blurry before her. She reached out a hand to him and he greedily took it, pulling her back against him. She opened her mouth to speak, but the only sound that would come out was a strangled sob.

Part of her was screaming at her to pull it together; Clint, Rhodey, and Thor were all there. She was losing it in front of them and she couldn’t afford to do that. _Pull it the fuck together, Stark!_ , the voice — oddly enough in her father’s tone — demanded of her.

But she couldn’t. No matter how hard she tried, her chest was still tight, her body still shook, the tears still came.

Toni didn’t realize it at the time, but Steve had lifted one arm from around her and waved the others off. He would never know how much that meant to her. Her breaths were heaving — the strangled noise of it rushed in her ears.

Steve’s hands cupped her face and gently tilted her head up. His thumbs brushed away the tears that were clouding her vision. She felt her chest constricting more as his face finally came into view.

“Toni, focus on me, okay? We have to calm you down,” he stated again, his face blank as he held her gaze. But she could see in his blue eyes how worried he was.

“Can’t... slow... breathing,” she stuttered out, hearing a wheeze in her throat as her hand fluttered up in a horrible way of trying to help explain the tightening in her entire body.

Steve pursed his lips for a moment, eyes moving over her face for a split second. “Toni, listen to me. The adrenaline is wearing off and you’re going into a panic. We need to get you focused and slow your breathing before it gets out of control. Soon, you’re going to start shaking from the lack of adrenaline and could go into shock. Do you understand?” he explained.

He was breaking it down for her, getting to the bare-bone technical crap. If she wasn’t in a shit-tastic state, Toni would have kissed him.

“Yes,” she wheezed as she nodded.

“Good,” he nodded along with her, grabbing her right hand and placing it on his chest, where his heart was beating steadily. “Okay, you’re going to breathe with me.”

Not a question. A simple command. Toni’s eyes darted from her hand to his face and back again.

“Hey, eyes up here, Stark,” he cut in, the sternness of his voice jerking her attention back to his face. “Ready?”

She nodded, even though she wasn’t sure at all if this would work.

Looking her dead in the eyes, Steve started to pull in a slow, long, deep breath. Toni did her best to follow suit, mimicking his actions. It was difficult. He was still slowly drawing in a breath when she had to stop and let the air out in a rush. 

“Don’t force it, Toni,” he said softly, taking a step closer to her. She didn’t realize it was a step she desperately needed. “Just take your time; in through your nose and then push the air through your mouth.”

He didn’t ask a question, but Toni nodded her assent again.

They tried again; this time she succeeded in pulling in more air and that realization had her hands stop shaking a bit. The fog in her mind started to clear slowly. A few more breaths later and she was close to matching her breathing with his, his steady heartbeat under her hand a reminder that everything was okay — they made it.

It wasn’t quite like a switch in her brain being toggled, but it was the best description she could come up with. Toni had been staring at her hand on Steve’s chest for what could have been hours, but in reality was just a handful of minutes, using it as a focal point as she listened to his breathing.

Once she stopped shaking for good, she looked up at him. Steve gave her a soft, rueful smile. “That’s good, Toni. How are you feeling?” he asked.

She couldn’t find the words. Seriously, she was fucking speechless. How could you describe the fact you knew you basically, single-handedly destroyed an entire city but you were supposed to be okay with it?

Her pulse picked up again and she drew in a ragged breath.

“Whoa, whoa, hey,” Steve interrupted her thoughts, pulling her close to him and wrapping his arms around her. “Okay, so that wasn’t a good question. Don’t think about it.”

Toni swallowed hard, “I’ll have to think about it at some point. I have to own up to it,” she said, her voice shaking the entire time.

“Fold up the suit, Toni,” Steve instructed instead.

It was so off from what Toni expected, she pulled back and looked up at him. She was trying to fess up to being an asshole and he was ignoring her. “Steve….”

“Toni,” he interrupted again, looking at her gently. “You’ll have to think about it yes, but today’s not that day.”

“But…”

“Fury’s handling the survivors, Rhodey’s going to sweep the city for safety, Vision is handling the rest of the bots,” Steve continued on. “We’re going home.”

Home. The concept seemed so odd after everything. The phrasing from him hit her like a full force, semi truck.

 _We’re going home_.

It sounded intoxicating and terrifying all at the same time.

She looked up at him wide-eyed. “Home?” she asked incredulously.

Steve sighed and rolled his eyes, “You must be feeling better because you’re back to mocking me.” 

That surprised her too, and she let out a huff of a laugh, “You’re fucking insane, you know that?” The sentence left her lips before she could think to stop it.

He threw his hands out wide, “Yeah, I am. But you’re not getting rid of me.”

That made her swallow hard.

“Got it?” he asked a tad gruffly, not with any anger.

She nodded.

Steve nodded as well and held out his hand to her. “Ready?”

To start this path with him? A part of her knew she never would be. But fuck it all… what did she have to lose? Toni put her hand in his and he pulled her close, guiding her back to a Quinjet.

They were going home.


End file.
